Every single rhyme in the poem is an exact rhyme. So I have absolutely NO idea what you mean when you say it would be nice if it rhymed better.

And yea, phrasing thing in such a way that things rhyme mid-line every stanza and every other end-line while keeping a consistent syllabic count of 12-13-12-13 isn't something I can do in five minutes. It takes some thought, especially in order to remain eloquent.

I can't stand poetry that abandons form, ESPECIALLY rhyme. Probably why I typically go excessive with it. The rhyme wasn't especially important with the last two lines so much as contradicting the odd nature of the entirety of the poem with the finality: waking.

I was hoping to convey a sense of... confusion with the initial lines. Kind of like most dreams, details are really drawn out and don't neccesarily take familiar form, but you know what they mean.

And in further defense of my verbosity: I dunno man, I get endlessly tired of reading very simple observations in poetry. Adjectives and adverbs are the spice your language need, as they easily and cheaply modify what you're describing to exactly what you mean. Trust me, I've been exposed to immense amounts of poetry this semester already, and I've seen both extremes with both of them being pretty terrible.

As for the excessive alliteration: I'll confess I'm obsessed recently. Didn't used to be that way, but there's nothing more satisfying to me than being able to construct a reasonable thought with such restrictive word choice.

I'd like you to familiarize yourself with the "edit comment" button. ; )

Ha ha, truthhhh. I'm in a creative writing poetry class.

Huh. So there isn't. Maybe I just never made the distinction when I first saw the system because you can delete what you've written AND you're on a computer which enables the copy/pasteability.

I've previously heard the same said of your mother.

Thanks! Glad you like it.

Thanks for the constructive criticism. : /

I can't say I like yours. For such a short poem you refer to identical things in identical ways too often. The second line is kind of pointless in that it just confirms what you meant with the first. The metaphor between life and lying under an oak tree is kind of basic, maybe it'd be more interesting to me if you expanded on it much more.

Yea, I noticed after re-reading it that there were a couple places I should probably adjust the punctuational setup. But I did not notice any LACK of commas.

I'm glad you noticed.